Daily Prompt: Conundrum

conundrum

via Daily Prompt: Conundrum

Conundrum (kəˈnəndrəm) – a confusing and difficult problem or question.

There are other definitions for this word… but in this moment I like this one the most. In this very moment, I’m dealing with a “conundrum.”

I am broke.

Really fucking broke. And so I applied for food assistance. With me and my daughter and living expenses and utilities and the rediculous amount, it costs for fucking child care in the US I am barely making it. I need help. But here is how “assistance” works in this country.

I make x amount of dollars. When I applied for food stamps the Department of Social services added in my child care, rent and utilities to my income. To me, this is a “conundrum.” I don’t watch people’s kids, I am no one’s landlord, I don’t provide energy to anyone. Why in the hell would my expenses be added to my income?? So I went from making x amount of dollars per month to making $2500 a month. Now I’m not going to state my income here but subtract your idea of rent, utilities and child care from 2500 and see what you think my income is. I’m fucking broke.

And I’m sure someone out there is thinking “well get another job. Do what you have to do.” Do me a favor and don’t judge me. You don’t live my life, you don’t know my circumstances. I am a nursing student so I am in school full time. I work 3 days a week, and guess what, if I work anymore I have to pay more child care so if I worked 2 more days a week I’d be working to pocket an extra $50. It’s pointless. I would be spending more time away from my kid just to pay someone to spend time with her.

And here’s another “conundrum”

Child care assistance won’t help mothers who are in school. In fact, adult learners are ineligible for food stamps as well. You may get benefits for your child, but not for you. I’m sacrificing so much to better myself but I also can’t get help because I’m trying to better myself. Literally, you are automatically ineligible if you attend school and are over 18. To me, these are problems that are both confusing and difficult.

If this country is going to offer “assistance” it should be offered to anyone who needs it. Why is the fact that your working towards getting to a better place an automatic disqualifier? I literally feel like I’m being held down.

Signed,

Anonymous No-Name Blogger

The Christmas Struggle

christmas-balls

I generally love the Christmas season. Growing up Christmas was always so much fun. Putting up the tree, family dinners, family outings, hot chocolate, cookies, Christmas movies and of course gifts. Lots of gifts.

As an adult, I’m not as… enthused

Don’t get me wrong I still love Christmas. It’s just that now I love the end result. I love the smile on my kids faces when they open their gifts… I don’t love that my energy bill is about 2 months late on account of it. I love me and the hubby and the kids putting up the tree and all the decorations… I hate going to Wal-Mart or Michael’s and realizing I had to spend another $100 on shit that’s gonna be up for a month once a year. Sometimes  I want to keep it all up until valentines day because Christmas decorations ain’t cheap. ~sigh.

I promise though I do love the Holiday season. It’s sort of love-hate. I love all of the shopping, I even enjoy my time at the store, I just don’t like the part where I take my money out of my pocket. I really enjoy my family during this season + I absolutely loveee gift giving. At this point, I get much more satisfaction out of giving than getting. I just wish I could give the thing I really want to give. Two-hundred-dollar sneakers, jewelry, designer wallets and $300 headphones. I enjoy buying people things but I’m at this point in my life where all of my gifts from the clearance section, no one gets anything costing over twenty dollars and if you’re over 18 you get nothing. Period.

I’m hard at work trying to make my life better and while I’m fully aware of that, it doesn’t make me feel any better about all of the things I can’t deliver on for my family.

Signed,

Anonymous No-Name blogger

I Hate My Life

depression

I hate my life. I’m not at all happy with where life has taken me. I know I could be doing better, I know this isn’t what was meant for me, I know I could have been doing a lot more at this point in life… But I’m not.

I hate my job, I hate that I’m back in school, I hate my financial situation I hate it all.

I’m an overweight former high school athlete who is so miserable about her weight I’ve convinced myself I can’t do anything about it. I have a head full of ideas on business’ and entrepreneurship, but I’m smart enough to know that an idea without action isn’t worth a fucking thing… I didn’t use to be this way. I was ambitious and went for anything I wanted. If I decided there was something I needed to accomplish, I did just that. I made up a gameplan, broke my goal into small steps, then I woke up every morning and nailed my balls to the wall (my female “balls” of course) until I got whatever I wanted. But since a series of events has taken my life in this horrible direction I’ve lost all motivation. I’ve convinced myself I

But since a series of events has taken my life in this horrible direction I’ve lost all motivation. I’ve convinced myself I can’t do it. I’ve suddenly decided that all I can do is wait to finish school (again), in order to start making moves.

And the weird thing is, I know that isn’t true. But I can only convince myself of that long enough to talk me into doing something empowering like finally taking the first step in a business I’d thought of (or something like make a blog). But the momentum quickly dies, and next thing you know my business (or blog) has barely gotten off the ground.

I’ve become full of excuses: “I can’t get my hair done, I don’t have enough money” “I can’t get another job, school is too demanding ” “I can’t workout, I don’t have the time”… It’s disgusting.

I used to feel so good about myself. I was happy with myself physically and mentally. Life is so different now.

And btw I’m not a super depressed – wanting to slit my wrist type of girl by any means. But I’m sooooo miserable. I did everything I was supposed to in life. I went to school, traveled, bought a house, have a “loving” relationship and kids… but it’s not enough. Those are old accomplishments, and I haven’t felt real accomplishment in a long time. I’m losing myself to this lazy unenthused person.

I need to get back on track

Signed,

Anonymous No-Name Blogger